The Legend of Zelda: Soda of Time
by SlicedBread1420
Summary: Why? Don't read this. Now with 20% extra stupid for the price of your time. Just like waiting for Half-Life 3, the 3rd chapter will come in a week or so. In Valve Time.
1. Chapter 1 redux

The Legend of Zelda: Soda of Time

Rated M

A Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time parody, with a bit of toilet humor and everything immature.

There is no summary, why do you need one?

I don't own The Legend of Zelda Series. Nintendo owns this copyright. If I owned the series, I'd be rich and eating sushi.

This is a PARODY. Not some serious yaoi fic like a lot the stuff you normally see. If you don't like this kind of crap, deal with it or GTFO. I don't need yo bitch'n and shit. If you think I commited a felony against the guidelines, PM me because no one wants your complaining.

Finally, if you like it, I might post a new chapter every 2 weeks, tops. Otherwise, I'll end it faster than you can read a full Latin novel. If you're proficient with Latin, I rolled a 20. Critical hit. It's extremely long; over 9000 pages. And if TheTruthHurts or whatever the name is here, leave.

* * *

><p>*Crash*<p>

*Whatever sound the rain makes*

*Enhanced sound of a Drawbridge being lowered*

_Where am I? What is this place? What's going on!_

Suddenly, a white horse is running out. On it, two female figures are riding the horse. One looked quite young, about the same age as the little boy watching everything. The other was much like an adult female around age 42, curvy, sleek, and very, very, damn sexy.

_Daymn! Seriously, what the fuck's going on here?_

As sudden as the white horse appeared, so did a man and his huge, massive, jet black, Ferrari 2012 sports car! The man rolled down his window and, in his stereotypical macdaddy gangsta appearance, said,

_What, up little fucka? Care to join my gang?_

_Um, no sir?_

_We got cookies and milk._

_Choco milk?_

_Yeah, do wanna join or not, because, I got me a couple hoes down by the desert._

_No way, bitch! I hate chocolate!_

_Well, then. *pulls out a pistol that has no specific name* Prepare to say goodnight, little bitch!_

And at that moment, a thunder bolt spontaneously burst in the air for maximum censorship. Damn 4kids.

* * *

><p>"Navi, Navi! Come Hither! Listen to my words, the words of the Great Deku Tree!" yelled the Great Deku Tree in all of his Shakespeare wannabeness.<p>

"Yes, sir? _Please, let it not be about his sponge bath!_" said the annoying blue fairy we all know and hate that is Navi.

"It is time for my sponge bath! Bring me the boy without a fairy!" bellowed the magical, overly pampered bastard of a supposed father that is the Great Deku Tree.

"Right away, sir._ I feel sorry for the kid who has to do this,"_ said the little fairy.

And there she went. Flying through Korkiri Village, dodging fellow fairies and villagers while fantasizing about, none other than, other females.

In turn, she hit a fence.

"Ow!" said the fairy, because that's what you're supposed to say when you hit the fence. (Unless "Fuck!" or "Shit!" or "Damnit!" is a better term.)

"Finally, I think I'm here." Navi said. What? You want something funny here? Too bad. "Hello?"

*Snore*

"Um, the Great Deku Tree needs you," said Navi.

*Ignore*

*Snore*

"HEY! LISTEN! THE GREAT DEKU TREE WANTS YOUR FUCKING ASS DOWN THERE. NOW GET THE FUCK UP BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP!11!" Apparently, not only is Navi a lesbian, but she's a complete rage whore. It's only a matter of time before she'll become a dumb blond too.

"Calm down! I'm up, geez! Let me go change, since this is very important," said Link, the verbally challenged Hero of Time.

As Link was changing, there were about 42.69 million fangirls that, sadly, exist. At least one of them is touching herself inappropriately for any reason involving yaoi. Also, at least one of them is making a yaoi fanfic or fanart. Just so you know.

* * *

><p>*20 minutes later*<p>

"ARE YOU QUITE DONE?" yelled Navi from outside. "If you don't come out of there, I'm going to ri-," she was cut off by a falling iron pillar.

The iron pillar then burst into 40 rupees and dropped the Korkiri sword. What? The so-called pillar was only two feet tall and 6 inches wide.

"Hey, Navi! If we are in such a hurry, stop fooling around and get up! I wanna by that wooden shield!" yelled Link. Navi couldn't hear him, though. She was out cold and naked because some spiders stole her clothes.

*30 minutes later*

"Mido, move your ass before I kick it," said Link in his calm demeanor.

"Link, you can't go through. I won't let you until you show me what I want," said Mido, leader/douche bag of the Kokiri.

"Well? What do you want? I can do this all day," said Link calmly.

"A sword, a shield, a fairy, and a video of you screwing Saria senseless," said Mido proudly."_I finally caught Link in a dumbass moment! He has no money, no metal, no fairy, and child porno is illegal here unless I want it!_"

"Here you go," said Link calmly, showing the said items.

"But? What the hell? How's that possible! How does she bend like that?" asked Mido.

While everyone gathered around Mido and watched the child porno in awe, we find Link and Navi heading towards the Great Deku Tree. But Suddenly!

"NOM! NOM! NOM! NOM!" went the Deku Baba.

"…What the fuck is wrong with this? Oh yeah, it's not dead!" yelled Link in green as he hacked the poor thing in millions of little pieces.

* * *

><p>*In another part of Hyrule*<p>

"DADDY!1!11!1!" yelled Princess Zelda, Princess of Hyrule. How exciting.

"What is it my love?" asked the almighty king. Not the cartoon one, sorry.

"I had these prophetic dreams that Ganondorf is going to destroy hyrule, but a boy from the forest will save us all."

"…" said the King, although it doesn't really count as saying something.

"I like trains."

"Sure you do honey, sure you do."

* * *

><p>And that's it. If you flame, I'll get the water hose ready.<p>

"I like trains" phrase is by asdfmovies

Review if you like bagels. Just Kidding.

Update will come when Hell freezes over. I might need more time though.


	2. I'm sorry guys

Hey guys. I'm so sorry.

Just so fucking sorry.

I promised to up date, two months ago.

First I broke my arm,

Then school came,

I'm just sorry.

I'll update, just you wait.

I'm just pissed at myself.


	3. Chapter 2

Ch. 2 "Another filler?"

Once again, I do not own or legally possess any characters/catchphrases/games. They all belong to their respectful owners, because I'm too lazy to acknowledge each individual source.

Fun Time: It's the Internet Meme Drinking Game! Take a shot of any form of alcohol for each meme you see!

/====\\\\\ ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

We join our heroes, where we last left them, smoking pot?

"What the fuck are you guys doing?" an asian voice from nowhere said.

"The recession hit us hard, man." the green elf thingy tried to say, but was too high.

"Yeah, we lost our jobs, our home, and now we got addicted to pot and alcohol." said Navi. "How could you abandon us like that? Do you think we want this? I used to have kids before I sold them for drugs."

"No, no. I was talking about the prostitute. She's hot." said the asian voice.

"Oh, Saria? Yeah, she lives with us and earns our money through prostituting." replied Link.

"So, let me guess, a giant spider named Gothma took your jobs."

"How did you know?" asked Link.

"Um… I wear TF2 hats?"

"Holy fucking shit, that's awesome!" exclaimed Navi.

"You know what? I'm in a good mood today. Using my author powers, channeled through the Dark Magician's Kuriboh Staff, I shall advance the plot!"

"Fuckin' finally, douchenozzle!" yelled someone who obviously has a normal life.

"SILENCE MORTAL!"

*zap*

*summons-*

"OVER 9000" yelled a nerd randomly.

*-Kuribohs*

"OMFG THE HAIRY BALLS ARE EVERYWHERE! I CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUE FORM OF THIS MASSIVE ATTACK OF-"

*gack*

/Username_Steve + Kuriboh_x_9001 swarmed Normal_Person_1/

/Username_Steve is dominating Normal_Person_1/

/Username_Steve found Normal_Person_1's Girlfriend/

/Username_Steve found $300/

"Anyways, Gothma died, the Great Deku Tree died, and Saria died, all because they forgot to use protection."

Somehow, Link got Saria's Ocarina and a Slingshot and ended up on Hyrule field.

"Oh."

Then they talked to an owl, saw a rabbit, did a barrel roll, causually pepper sprayed a hooker, planked with the guards, had *rule 34* with Zelda, went to Kakariko Village, smoked more pot, yelled that there was a rapist in Lon Lon Ranch, climbed a mountain, and drank their own piss.

"Fuck I lost a couple IQ points there, again," said the ever so slightly non-charming author said.

"All i see iz a double rainbow." said LSD Link.

"This is Link, rainbows make me cry!" slurred Navi before passing out.

/

Are you happy now? I finally fuckin' updated. It took me 400000 pieces of toast to think about this chapter for 12 minutes.

-Username_Steve, with a another goddamned short fucking chapter (and a name change)

(If you didn't drink the whole bottle, drink the whole goddamned bottle. Or the kool-aid you fucking poser)


End file.
